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Category Archives: Reviews and/or rants

“The members of his karataam were killed by Tal-Vashoth but their disposal leads only here, to Saarebas and you.”

Er…What? Look, you’re clearly speaking English, so why have you just randomly made up words there? I’ve been playing this game for 20 hours and I still don’t know what you’re talking about. Why not just say ‘group’, ‘rebels’ and ‘the mage’?

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Much like Shadow Hearts, Parasite Eve is another game that I never played but have a tremendous fondness for. I watched the first game on YouTube, and later read a far more convenient screenshot Let’s Play of it. All credit for screenshots used in this post goes to the latter.
[EDIT: Another LP has since been done with higher quality screenshots and videos.]

With the threequel – The 3rd Birthday on the way, now seemed like a good time to talk about the game.

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I played Dragon Age: Origins on the Xbox 360. Thought I’d get the recently released demo of Dragon Age 2 on PC though to see if it improves anything. I want Dragon Age 2 to be good, I really do. But from what I’ve seen, I’m not too hopeful.

What better way to examine the demo and the game than by hosting a disastrous, oversized and summarised screenshot Let’s Play of the demo? Let’s get into it.

You start by selecting the gender and class of the protagonist – for the purposes of this playthrough, I choose the good old fashioned male warrior. Because tanking is just my style.

The game opens on a dwarf named Varric being dragged through a hall by armoured men. They sit him down in a dark room. He is interrogated by a woman called Cassandra, who identifies herself as working for the Chantry – because Dragon Age is too fancy to say ‘church’.

Cassie there also has that weird almost-French accent that was associated with the almost-French country of Orlais in the Dragon Age lore.

Faux Frenchy demands to know about ‘the Champion’, claiming that Varric knew him. Varric starts to talk as it cuts to a barren wasteland. An armoured man with a beard – our protagonist Mr. Hawke and a mage later revealed to be his sister are fighting what appear to be the henchmen of Skeletor

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(Bonus post! Don’t worry, it’s all back to games after this.)

“How was the movie?”
“The movie?”
“The Facebook movie.”
“Uh, it’s pretty good, but immediately smacks you in the face with Sorkin dialogue.”
“Sorkin dialogue?”
“Yes.”
“As in Aaron Sorkin?”
“No, as in one of the many other famous Sorkins working on the film.”

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1. The surprising amount of low-resolution textures and jagged edges, whenever you slow down and look at the details.

2. It features the best fire effects you ever saw on the previous generation of consoles.

3. Frame rate – remember how impressed you were at the smoothness of the previous games? Despite running on the same engine, Black Ops seemingly boasts half as many frames per second as the Modern Warfare series!

4. The disjointed missions and uninteresting in medias res structure of the story.

5. Briefings are now packed with so much flashing imagery and noise, it’s surprising there’s been no seizure lawsuits.

6. Will the heroes save the world from the Russian sleeper cells with the deadly nerve gas known as Nova 6? Spoiler: The answer is in every clichéd film and episode of 24 that has done this bioweapon plot before.

7. Modern Warfare 2 had lines like “But the sands and rocks here, stained with thousands of years of warfare…They will remember us.” Black Ops has lines like “THE FUCKING NUMBERS!”

8. The plot twist stolen from a film that veers the game into some kind of science fiction or magic territory. It makes the action movie nonsense of Modern Warfare 2 look sensible.

9. Said twist is so heavily foreshadowed that most players guessed it before the game tells you it twice, then shows it, and then makes you play for another ten minutes before the actual flashback-filled reveal.

10. There is genuinely a guitar riff as a character puts on his sunglasses. In a dark room. Without a hint of irony.

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Contents:

  • Jesus: The Game
  • Devil May Cry Reboot
  • Trigun

Hey, you know what old game is in dire need of a modern update?

Jesus: Kyōfu no Bio Monster

This is not in-game footage. (It would be post-game footage.)

(lit. “Jesus: Dreadful Bio-Monster”)

It was first released on the PC-88 as simply Jesus, and was later ported to the Nintendo Family Computer and MSX2 with the subtitle “Kyōfu no Bio Monster” appended. A sequel was released on the PC-98.

The game’s name refers to a space station called J.E.S.U.S., named after the Christian messiah Jesus. The ship is shaped like a double-edged sword a la Book of Revelations. Its inhabitants go on to fight a mysterious demonic alien from Halley’s Comet.

Source: Wikipedia. (Corroborated by other sites! I can’t stress its actual existence enough!)

Apparently this did in fact really genuinely seriously happen. You can only conclude that a modern update of Jesus: The Japanese Science Fiction Adventure Game would be hilarious. Think of the amount of copies it would sell entirely due to Fox News style hysteria!

DmC: The Devil May Cry Reboot

The full trailer features much more GRITTINESS!

Omigod! It looks SO AWESOME! Here’s a list of bullet point reasons why!

  • Because we all wanted to play as the guy from Twilight!
  • Chain-like weapons?! Since God of War there has just not been enough of them.
  • A ruined modern city?! Simply inspired! We’ve never seen that before ever in any game ever! (Especially not the beginning of Devil May Cry 3!)

This is almost as brilliant as idea of the creators of Resident Evil and No More Heroes teaming up to make a game that looks as exciting and colourful as a cross between Dark Sector and Clive Barker’s Jenericho.

(It’s as if the Let’s Ruin guy is everywhere these days!)

Trigun

[Yeah, I’m totally sneaking this write up in here. I drafted it ages ago and was never happy with the idea of publishing it on its own as it’s a bit dry. But if you care…]

The many faces of Vash the Stampede.

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[There’s no alt-text/titles on this one.]




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Toy Story 3 is probably film of the yeaOH WAIT

Memo to all mooks: Do not point firearm directly at the person you are trying to kill. Especially not at this range.

I’m surprised to see detractors of Inception trying to pick plotholes or have a go at the story, when it has such flawed, unnecessary and frankly shameless action sequences.

The cartoonish Rambo style bad guy aiming was ridiculous. From the foot-chase to the video-game-esque snow level. Whether the bad guys had handguns, automatics or even sniper rifles. Meanwhile the heroes naturally have almost perfect aim and the more bad guys there are, the easier it is to knock them out with one punch.

There was one glaringly farcical scene where a suit shoots several times with a handgun at a stationary target on a stairwell, yards apart with a clear line of sight – and every bullet misses!

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[Extra post tomorrow for the other film worth going to the cinema for this year.]

Let’s be honest with each other. There’s no need for me to fully review or even recommend Toy Story 3 because it is Toy Story 3. With that out of the way…

This is like one of them metty-fors.

It’s kind of shameful that an animation studio making movies marketed at children has a better track record, more creativity, more imagination and more mastery of the medium than anyone else in the industry. From their effortless use of the old ‘show, don’t tell’ rule to really emotionally moving the audience.

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[I should have another game design post for next week where I will be taking on the horrors of dungeon crawling! For now, here’s something that’s been in my drafts for a while.]

The title may sound make it sound like pr0n set in medieval times, but it’s actually a 2007 anime film that I happen to have caught recently.

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