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Ubisoft announced plans for their new DRM (Digital Rights Management) this week, ready for Assassin’s Creed 3.

“We realised there were flaws with our previous piracy protection measures.” Max Béland, creative director of Splinter Cell: Conviction, explained.

He referred to the 256 character CD keys, install limits, frequent online activation and their most recent DRM attempt that formatted the entire hard drives of suspected pirates.

Although not explicitly mentioned, this new change was likely prompted by the waves of complaints and lawsuits over the loss of irreplaceable family photos, important work data and ‘that novel you’ve been working on for years’.

An Ubisoft spokesperson was quick to concede that the new DRM system does require an internet connection, but only for a one time use. The game simply connects to Ubisoft’s website and downloads necessary malware for retinal scanning, DNA profiling and satellite transmission.

Once the consumer has input their data, it will be sent to a DRM satellite controlled by Ubisoft Montreal. The satellite will check the data and scan the globe to find anyone with a similar genetic sequence, where upon it will deploy their new Ubi Space Death Laser™ to instantly incinerate the consumer and any possible family members that side of the planet.

When asked how this revolutionary new system will differentiate between pirates and genuine consumers, the spokesperson turned around and muttered something in French before disappearing in a puff of smoke.

More on this story as it develops.

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