Good afternoon, gentlemen. You may know me from the last game I worked on – where I took a boring old Squaresoft game to new heights of Square-Enix marketability.
Today, our corporate overlords have brought me in specially to work on the recently acquired Tetris license. It’s time that game was brought to 2010 standards, with the treatment of modern video games!
It’s an update! It’s a sequel! It’s a revamp! It’s a reboot! It’s…
Now, the first thing we need to do for T.E.T.R.I.S. is program and animate the unskippable company logo sequence on startup. I mean it’s going to be in all the trailers. Plus when we skimp on playtesting and rush a release date, consumers can repeatedly enjoy the logos when they’re forced to constantly restart their console.
Speaking of the game – graphics! As mentioned previously, the game will run on the Unreal engine, which means money saved and money in the bank – because millions of games that used that engine have been sold. So it must be good!
Oh, you noticed the bright lines around the objects? They break from the realistic look too much for my liking, but the artists insisted it needed contrast for anyone to be able to distinguish anything and actually play the game. Will organise a focus group to confirm this.
I’m also pleased to announce that we will be going for a Mature rated game, as they sell well. When a player makes a horizontal line, it activates our Extreme Gore System (or EGS) which I think you will agree – is a step forward for maturity in games.
The game needs a mascot. Just something for art promos and to “personalise” the experience. The mascot could lead consumers through the lengthy and complex tutorial (that uses every button on the controller) and can even offer hints too.
Let’s just call it…T.E.T.T.Y. Again, don’t worry about the acronym. It will have to be a woman.
An Asian woman!
And a robot!
Yes, that will effectively corner every possible market! I would fistbump you all right now, but I can pay people to do that for me.
Aliens that are also Nazis disguise themselves as bricks and rocks on the road. Why, you ask? Terrorism. Oh, you’re not asking questions now, are you, Programmer #3?
You play a space marine with a gravelly voice, who wears a special suit that covers up all his skin except for the missing top of his helmet that shows his white, shaven head.
Well, I suppose it doesn’t put the player in his shoes if the player is female. But they’re a negligible minority for our target audience. This isn’t one of those pony-washing Barbie’s World Of Farmville Craftwarz For Wii games.
Anyway, the protagonist is looking through a rig on the bottom of a truck driving through the post-apocalyptic wasteland. It drives over the villainous bricks and rocks catching them in a net at the back (or bottom, see?), the player can move them into a line to complete an electrical circuit and blow them up with electricity.
Naturally, there will be a very long introductory and unskippable cutscene to establish all of this. With many cutscenes in-between where the protagonist can do all kinds of badass flips and stuff that he can’t do in-game. That way the players will like him!
Oh, and it turns out your boss was the real villain all along. It ends on a cliffhanger to set up the planned T.E.T.R.I.L.O.G.Y.
Bob, you get to work on the Limited Edition Special Edition Tetris Edition Edition of the game. It will cost five times as much as the game. You can get the art boys to whip up a little book and some tin packaging.
There can be a ‘History of Tetris’ feature. “Some commie made it for the Gameboy.” Boom. Done. That’s like fifty thousand dollars in the bank right there.
It’ll also need a ‘Making Of’ DVD, but I can handle that. I’ll just wear different shirts and tell the camera how we tried to create the definitive Tetris experience and how it was hard but we did it and we’re proud of it. I’ll also laugh and talk about how we all get on and we’re like a family. You will need to smile if you’re in the shots of the background. Just picture your paycheck.
The game definitely needs unskippable credits that roll every seven hours and reset the score. T.E.T.T.Y. could rap over the credits with the tune of the original Tetris! On that note, don’t forget the dull fake-orchestrated soundtrack.
60% of the game will be the multiplayer compenent with up to 14 consumers, in which they control one specific type of block half of the time. There will also be a co-op mode where consumers control one half of the screen.
We need big loading screens that really build consumer anticipation for the next chunk of gameplay – or block, rather. I’ll just get the form for you to tell me you saw what I did there.
Joe and…Other Joe, you guys can cobble together the Wii port on your own, right?
We are already working on post-release DLC and pre-order bonuses for the game. I can see the press release now: “You thought the L, J, O, T, I, S and Z blocks were cool? Wait till you see the all-new R-block, that’s primed to take your T.E.T.R.I.S. to the Maxtreme™!”
The best part? There’s at least 18 more blocks we can release one by one after that! That’s what we call lengthy post-release support – you can smell the money already!